Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Happy Arizona Statehood Day!

Feb. 14, 1912, was the day that Arizona became the 48th state in the union. Instead of that hearts and flowers craptacular known as Valentine's Day (a.k.a. V.D.), I mark the 14th of February as Arizona Statehood Day.

In commemoration of this, here are some little-known facts about my home state.
  • Arizona is the original site of Atlantis. The lack of water throws people off.
  • The business about "But it's a dry heat" is a fallacy. It's actually a dry tepidness.
  • The state bird of Arizona is the snowbird.
  • The name "Arizona" is derived from the Latin word "Arizonius," meaning, "Place where everyone has a backyard pool."
  • There is a myth that there is a professional football team in Arizona called the Cardinals. This is only a myth. They may be a team, they may play football, but by no stretch of the imagination can they be considered professionals.
  • The Grand Canyon is actually only 5 feet deep and 4 feet wide. When you visit, they make you sign an agreement not to tell anyone so as not to ruin the surprise for other suckers who make the trip.
  • There are more convenience stores per capita in Tempe than anywhere else in the world. Or at least, it seems like it.
  • The state song is "Take It Easy" by the Eagles. OK, it isn't, but more people know that song than the REAL state song, so no one knows the difference.
  • Coincidentally, guys, you can stand on a corner in Winslow, Arizona, all you want, but a girl, my lord, in a flatbed Ford ain't slowin' down to take a look at your dumpy ass.
  • The state sport is firewalking. In this event, people try to walk barefoot across a parking lot in Yuma on Aug. 16 at 2 p.m. No one has survived the experience.
  • If you took all the sorority girls at Arizona State University and laid them from end to end, no one would be surprised. (with apologies to Mrs. P.)

So take a trip to the Grand Canyon State soon and enjoy all its wonders. Tell them I sent you.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

10 ways the Titanic disaster could have been worse

It could have been carrying ice cream and candy for poor, starving orphans.

Instead of Leonardo DiCaprio drowning, it could have been Leonardo DaVinci.

Rather than having too few lifeboats, it could have been not enough coffee.

The band could have had an accordion, and the only song they knew was "Come On Eileen."

Instead of hitting an iceberg, it could have landed in Delaware.

The onboard movie could have been "Titanic."

Instead of life jackets, the passengers could have been given balloon animals.

The captain could have been Adolf Hitler.

The name of the boat could have been "HMS Mr. McSinky."

They could have charged the passengers for soft drinks.

Monday, February 05, 2007

Ways the world would be different if cats were the dominant species on the planet

Napping would be an Olympic event.

Instead of "Cats," Broadway's longest-running play would be "Humans."

Tuna would be an endangered species.

"The Lion King" would have won Best Picture in 1994.

Chick Fil-A's slogan would be "Eat More Dogs."

We wouldn't be in Iraq. Or Afghanistan. Or anywhere else for that matter. Cats don't have foreign policies.

Can openers could be operated without opposible thumbs.

Instead of Harry Potter, kids would be breathlessly reading about the adventures of Hermoine's cat.

The Internet's biggest problem: Kitty porn.