Wednesday, December 27, 2006

"Hot Tub! HAIIII!"

I join the music-loving world in mourning Soul Brother No. 1, the hardest working man in show business, Mr. Dynamite and the Godfather of Soul, and for a personal reason. Deb and I used to do impressions of "James Brown Celebrity Hot Tub" whenever we'd stay at a Disney World resort, because we knew we were going to be hitting the hot tub.

"We gonna get in the hot tub?" I'd start off.
"Yeah!" she'd reply
"Is it gonna make us sweat?"
"We gonna get in the hot tub?"
"Are we gonna get wet?"
"Well, well, well ..."
Then she'd let out her best "HAIIIII!"

Here's the original. You can keep your "'BLEEP' in a Box": This is the funniest thing ever on SNL.

James Brown, RIP

Thursday, December 14, 2006

15 things I've learned

Back when I wrote newspaper columns, in college and the real world, every five years I'd write a "what I've learned to this point in my life" column. Last year when I turned 40 would have been the time, but I didn't have an outlet for writing then. So, here a year late, and with 12 months of extra study time, are things I've learned so far.

1. True love exists.
And I'll be damned if I'll settle for anything less.

2. When purchasing something, especially electronic items, for which you are due a rebate, don't throw the box away without cutting out the UPC code.
I've had to go dumpster diving for boxes more than once after tossing them out without reading the rebate form.

3. Love is putting someone else before everything else.
I have never been so fearless as when my wife was sick, because I knew there was something more to fear than losing my life: losing her life.

4. When going against a zombie, your best weapon is a machete. You don't have to reload them.
Max Brooks' "The Zombie Survival Guide" is the weirdest and perhaps one of the most brilliant books on my bookshelf right now.

5. Damned if five blades on your razor isn't better than four.
I just got the first season of "Saturday Night Live" on DVD, and one of the first fake commercials they did was for a three-bladed razor, which seemed ridiculous at the time. And the Onion did a hysterical parody after the four-bladed razor came out about Gillette making a five-bladed razor. But I got one of those five-bladed razors in the mail, and darned if the thing didn't give me a smooth shave. Goes to show sometimes there is truth in advertising. Now if only one of those Nigerian millionaires who keep e-mailing me was on the up and up...

6. I feel like a 19-year-old.
Anybody know one?

7. When riding Space Mountain at the Magic Kingdom in Orlando, go to the left side.
There are two tracks inside. The one on the right is a rougher ride. The one on the left is smoother, faster and has an extra sudden drop.

8. Having an annual pass to Disney World is cool.
You learn things like the above item.

9. "Friday I'm In Love" by The Cure is the best pop song ever.
Not to be confused with "Hey Jude" by The Beatles, which is the best thing ever.

10. Elvis was the King.
But he was a busboy compared to Johnny Cash.

11. You're never alone with a cat.
You're also never cat-hair free.

12. That boss guy in "Office Space" is real.
I used to work for him. He even carried around a coffee mug.

13. I'll still take "O Brother Where Are Thou?" or "Raising Arizona" over "The Big Lebowski." as the Coen Brothers' best film.
But John Goodman's eulogy before tossing Donny's ashes is a classic.

14. "The Simpsons" is still funny.
Homer: "This is the most fun I've ever had giving you wood."

15. When meeting someone for the first time and finding out their name, use it several times during the conversation.
You still won't remember it, but at least it looks like you're trying to.

Here endeth the lesson.