Thursday, May 31, 2007

Haiku corner

Haiku Humor

Haiku! Gesundheit
That was a terrible joke
I am so sorry

The Inappropriate Doctor Haiku

Turn my head and cough?
Are you sure this is how you
Check for a sore throat?

The How I Got My Black Eye Haiku

Hey, babe, come here much?
So, how much for the whole night?
That big guy's your what?

Friday, May 25, 2007

Poetry Corner

I've been on a poetry writing kick for a week now. I've been putting them on my MySpace page, but I thought I'd put them over here too, just in case anyone's watching.

A Hairy Situation
I don't care that I'm losing my hair
And I'm trying to do it with class
But why is there less hair up there
And much more hair on my ass?

How About A Career Change?
A vampire is what I'd rather prefer to be
Night life and moonlight, no office for me
My monsterly duties I would never dare duck
And the bosses wouldn't be the only things that suck

Sorry About That ...
I once dated a woman who liked to ax rabbits
She wasn't cruel; it was just a cute habit
But it was one of my short-lived affairs
She asked for my help, but I hate splitting hares

Loving The Dead
There's much to be said about loving the dead
They never get angry or play with your head
In fact, there's just one thing that I hate
It takes so much effort to dig up a date

Just when you have it all figured out
And you know what to do, without a doubt
And you can see the path clear through
Some asshole changes the rules on you

An uncomfortable thought

The next time you dip a piece of chicken into an egg batter, think about what the human equivalent of that would be.

I told you it was an uncomfortable thought.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Give War A Chance

I've started seeing signs popping up on people's yards reading "War is not the answer."

I respectfully disagree.

If the question is "What is a three-letter word for an armed conflict?" war clearly IS the answer.

Let's not go overboard, people.

Monday, May 14, 2007

Been carrying this one around too long

When I went out last Saturday evenin'
You said you'd stay at home and just wait
When I came home, you'd writ me a letter
Told me you'd run off with Mr. George Strait

Where, oh where, are you tonight
Why did you leave me home all alone
I searched the world over and thought I found true love
You met another and PLBBBLTH! you were gone

Friday, May 11, 2007

Sentences you'll never see anywhere else

"Silence fell like a piece of wet liver on a hot summer sidewalk."

"She reminded me of a half-shaved Pekinese wearing hoop earrings and a splint."

"I slapped her. She slapped me back. Then we played Barrel of Monkeys."

"On my doorstep I found a bag of pretzels. My favorite kind ... soggy."

"'Excuse me,' the lady in front of me said. 'Is that your spleen?'"

"I'm sorry," the Republican said.

"The pictures were overdeveloped. Too bad I couldn't say the same for Sister Margaret."

"Inside the first box I found 20 atoms of carbon, 45 atoms of argon and a smidgen of cadmium. 'It's elementary,' the delivery boy said."

"That's when the elephant dropped his retainer."

"The bricklayers went on strike. That cemented their relationship, but it made them mortar enemies."

"Won't that be too expensive?" the Democrat asked.

Monday, May 07, 2007

A great old saying I made up

"Arguing with him is like farting in the face of a man with no nose. It may make you feel better, but it won't have any effect on him"