Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Why Jesus Christ is on the no-fly list

He's Middle Eastern.
He promotes radical change.
He doesn't carry ID.
He's the leader of a small, well-organized group known as the Apostles.
He's obviously a religious fanatic, going around saying he's the son of God.
He's a convicted criminal, according to the Sanhedrin.
No one can account for his activities between the age of 13 to 30.
Some guy who got busted for possession gave the police his name as a joke, despite the admonition not to take the Lord's name in vain, and the police never cleared his record.

Saturday, September 15, 2007

The day I got old

Well, age, you finally did it.

I kept pushing back the date I would tell myself that I am an adult. First I thought it was when I graduated high school. Then it was college. Then it was buying a major piece of furniture. Then a car. Then marriage. Then buying a house.

All those I did, but still managed to tell myself, hell, I don't FEEL old, so I must not BE old.

Then, a couple of Fridays ago, it finally happened. I had adulthood forced upon me, and I couldn't give it back.

My optometrist asked, "Have you considered bifocals?"

Forty-plus years of living crashed down on my shoulders like a fat guy in a Speedo hitting the beach at Cannes.

OK, so I had to hold things at arms-length to read them. Doesn't everybody? Just because I now need 8-foot arms to read didn't mean anything to me.

But now, I couldn't deny it. It was time to face facts. I agreed to bifocals. Not the split-lens kind that our grandparents wore, though. The gradual kind.

And I got a funky set of frames.

Just because I'm an adult doesn't mean I'm mature.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

More sentences you'll never read anywhere else

Oscar winner Paris Hilton met with the Pope Clyde today at Queen Camilla's cabana.

I gave you my heart. Can I please have my aorta back?

My gym shorts are made of cactus.

"Hi, I'm Marlon Brando for SlimFast."

The dentist removed my prostate by mistake.

"The paisley zone is for the immediate loading and unloading of passengers only. There is no parking in a fuschia zone."

Why, yes, I would like a free colonoscopy, Reverend.

I found it on the street, and I thought it'd make a good salad dressing.

Get off my emu.

Did you see Judy Dench in Playboy this month?