Saturday, July 29, 2006

Just an observation

My wife watches a lot of Court TV, and what I've learned is every crime ever investigated by former FBI proviler Dayle Hinman is solved within half an hour. Why this woman hasn't been put on the JFK, JonBenet and Hoffa cases is a national disgrace.

Friday, July 28, 2006

Hypothetical question

If the kings of cool Jack Nicholson and Samuel L. Jackson were in the same room, would the ambient temperatures reach absolute zero?

Thursday, July 27, 2006

Random questions for the universe

1. If there are 50 ways to leave your lover, and Paul Simon lists four ("Slip out the back, Jack"; "Make a new plan, Stan"; "Hop on the bus, Gus"; and "Drop off the key, Lee." Let's face it, "No need to be coy, Roy" is encouragement, not an actual way to leave one's lover), then what are the other 46? And is it merely 50, or is that just an arbitrary figure?

2. People say tornados sound like freight trains. Tornados, of course, predate freight trains. What did people say tornados sounded like before? Conestoga wagons? What about before that? Chariots?

3. What do you plant to get seedless grapes?

Just wondering.

Thursday, July 20, 2006

Wednesday, July 19, 2006

In which I explain myself

Some things we need to get straight right away.
1. I am 40. This doesn't bother me at all because I find that I am improving with age. I was a lousy teenager, couldn't get laid as a 20-something despite going to college for six years, and spent most of my 30s in a job I really didn't like. Despite this, I find myself in a pretty good place in my life, with a wife who loves me and tolerates most of my quirks, in a job I actually like most days, and in a place where you can get decent take out. At this rate, by the time I'm 80, I should be in excellent shape. Hope I still have enough brain cells left to enjoy it.
2. If I had to change one thing, my wife wouldn't have cancer.
3. If I could change another thing, she still wouldn't have cancer.
4. I have a tattoo of the Chinese symbol for honesty.
5. "Hey Jude" is the best song ever. Debate over.
6. Dave Barry isn't funny. Neither is Jay Leno.
7. I don't do politics. For the record, I'm a fiscally conservative social liberal. I think both parties are screwy and anyone who says they're for one party or the other is afraid of thinking for themselves. Politics are for people who like to argue, and I don't like to argue.
8. I don't do religion. For the record, I am a pro-choice Christian who believes in evolution. If you don't think that's possible, I think you need to open your mind.
9. What are we going to do here? Random outbursts. Little bits of humor. Maybe a movie review or two. Just whatever comes across the doormat of my mind and trickles down the nerve endings to the keyboard until I figure out what I'm doing, if anything.

Hang on, kids. It could get interesting.