Highlights from Textsfromlastnight.com

(843): Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

(510): he said he didn't have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(843): the red head has a bf
(1-843): just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

(812): My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

(813): I'm fucking your sister right now.
(1-813): You motherfucker
(813): She's next.

(212): I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

(401): This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

(347): in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

(857): seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

(910): wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
(910): IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

(734): I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

(443): I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

(970): I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
(303): Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

(347): I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

(214): dude. I'm so drunk.
(972): pete, this is bryce's mom
(214): I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
(972): pete, this is still bryce's mom