One with everything, hold the lingerie

I have a theory that if popularized would simultaneously bring down the fashion and makeup industries.

It is simply this: A woman holding a pizza is 10 times more attractive than a woman who isn't.

Observe. If you're a man, choose between these two women. If you're a woman, ask a man to choose:

No offense to the second woman, but she's clearly not a supermodel. Yet, I want to climb into the screen and get to know her better. Why? Because I want to know what's on the pizza, darn it.

What will happen if it is revealed that instead of piling on with expensive, fancy dresses and tons of makeup, all a woman has to do to look fabulous is to get a large pepperoni to go? Sweatshops will go silent. Anorexic women everywhere will have to find other jobs. Fashion shows will be sponsored by Papa John's.

A better world, perhaps. But think of the consequences. Makeup counters at department stores will be replaced with pizzerias. Perfumes will smell like sausage and mushrooms. Instead of men sending women candy and flowers on Valentine's Day, women would be sending pizzas ...

Wait ... it would be a better world.

Spread the word. Love means never having to hold the mushrooms.